What are you REALLY afraid of?

There’s been something on my mind since this weekend. During my run I had so many thoughts swimming through my head about my weight loss history and new found lust for fitness. I spent a lot of time contemplating why it was so hard for me to overcome and why it’s getting easier and easier for me to maintain.

When I returned from the run and read the comments on my Weekend Quote post. One in particular, from Robyn stood out. Here’s a snippet…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…"

That is EXACTLY what I was thinking about. Well, one of the things, it was an hour and half run after all. But seriously, I have this "glitch" (I’ll call it) where the fear of being or getting what I want most in life will disappoint or negatively affect others. I don’t want people to think I’m "gloating" or "showing off". I don’t want to make others "feel bad" that I have when they may not. It’s as if I’m afraid to hurt others feelings with my own success.

A few months ago I was reading a blog post that mentioned Tall Poppy Syndrome. I never heard of it before and it actually helps me describe what I’m *trying* to say…

Someone is said to be a target of tall poppy syndrome when his or her assumption of a higher economic, social, or political position is criticized as being presumptuous, attention seeking, or without merit. Alternatively, it is seen as a societal phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are criticised or resented because their talents or achievements elevate them above or distinguish them from their peers.

The husband and I have had discussions about this concept relating to education but were never able to articulate it correctly. The idea that an individual won’t strive to succeed because his/her peers don’t have the same ability, desire or motivation.

Tall poppy is really describing the perspective of "the peers" but I believe it can be self-inflicted as well. Let’s apply the thought process to some feelings I’ve had about weight loss… If I’m actually successful and become thin others won’t like me anymore. I lose my association to the "chubby girls" yet don’t feel as if I’m one of the "skinny girls." I might as well stay fat and happy that way no one gets hurt. Myself included. Plus who am I to think I deserve to be thin. I’m not one of the “lucky ones.”

Messed up right?

I sometimes have these types of feelings now. I really think it’s one of the fears I have wearing "Skinny Girl" outfits at the gym. I don’t want to draw attention, or show off. I know how it feels to look at thin people and want so badly what they have. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I don’t want to be perceived as showing off my thinness. I don’t want "rub it in" or look as I’m "seeking attention". But darn it I want to be comfortable with myself, my body and my achievements! Is that wrong?

I’m not sure why I have these feelings or where they come from but they’ve always been there. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s one of the reasons why I had such a hard time losing weight before. Was it the fear of actually being thin that held me back? Did I fear becoming one of the girls I was so jealous of? And once I focused on more then just getting thin (wanting to be a healthy example for the toddler) did those feelings became irrelevant as my goal was now so much more the "thinness?"

Talk about a brain dump! Sorry, I didn’t mean to bear my soul. What I really want to know is if you have any fears holding you back from succeeding, not only with weight loss but anything that make you a happy healthy person.

What are you REALLY afraid of?